I heard the sound of
the 1:50pm alarm. My phone sounded like someone was slowly pouring glitter,cake
sprinkles and golden magic dust on four words.
"Take oral
contraceptive now!" glowed on the phone screen. My neon lemon lacquered
finger nails unzipped my purse and pulled out the combination oral pill pack.
Pum! The tiny yellow pill dropped into my right palm. My palm threw it into my
mouth. It was closely followed by a torrent of Eva bottle water. I felt satisfied
with the amount of water I just drank. My throat didn't feel like the pill had
grabbed on to it. Refusing to be flushed towards activation.
My vajayjay's health
is as important as credit alerts. It has always been important to me. My mother
encouraged my younger self to get acquainted with my lady part, as she called
them. Every question I had were answered with love and non-judgement. Little
wonder during Primary One's colorful art class I explained to my table buddies
where babies come from. The biology of the discussion blew their minds. My
sexual safety was a major concern as the daughter of a rape victim. Or that I
was fascinated with the wonder house Everywoman described my body as. Or the
scandals around my secondary school friends sexual awakenings. Or maybe it was
all these that made me take sex health serious.
The consciousness of
my sexuality. Vagina hygiene and hard learnt pH lessons. Crimson days with
primary dysmenorrhea.Yeast infection episodes. Period cycle changes. Queef
while on all fours. Gaining sexual confidence. Routine tests. Embracing my
sexual appeal. Hot,slutty,sweaty sex. Slow seconds, patience plus pregnancy
test strips. Pharmacists' slut shaming. Overprized female vaginal health care
products purchases ( like seriously medical companies, stop!). Sexual assault
flashbacks. Awkward gynaecologist check-ups. Walks of no shame. Even freezing
nipples (don't ask). I have literally been through it all.
But this!
Urethra Fart. Yes,
urethra Fart had me on Google after writing my dissenting arbitral award last
night. Knowledge is power as such. I could recite the side effects of the
Levonorgestrel and Ethinylestradiol.
My first ovulation day
on the pill was a mess. Headaches, dizziness and the fun breasts' tenderness.
I'm sure the Arbitral Registrar is wondering why I'm smiling. My smile crept up
on my oblong face because of my 2 seconds tender breasts grabbing. Silliness I
indulged in on an empty office elevator ride.
My burgundy blazer
rested against the plush love seat under the weight of my back. I spread my thighs
apart just a little bit and waited. Nothing. No tiny bubbles of air are
travelling along my urethra to burst out below my clitoris as odourless fart. I
guess the urethra fart side effect is a thing of the night. A deep breath
slowly escaped my shea butter oiled lips. Work was intense today. The biege
love seat vibrated startling my preoccupation with the white ceiling. Lunch
break is over and I hadn't eaten my springrolls! Aaargh!
Will I stop the pills?
No. I have tried a couple of contraceptives but not a 28 days pack. The
emergency pill, check. Condoms, male and female types. Check check. Herbal
contraceptives. Yes, the Yoruba agbo works better than the morning after pill.
#noshade. Two of my friends have IUDs. I live through them, so check!
I'm not stopping
because I love adventure. Even though my Prague arbitration confirms this
attribute. I'm not stopping because it helps reduce primary dysmenorrhea. I'm a
sucker for habits, routines, order and commitments. My mother's smirk echoed
from memory. Commitment is her synonym of marriage. I love my empty kitchen
sink and fashion rings too much for that synonym.
It's a challenge to
add this to my lifestyle. Everyday and wherever I commit to swallowing. The routine
addict in me isn't stopping. Urethra fart or not.
My black leather skirt
sat back at the Panel table. I picked up my bottle of water. Yh, I imported my
water. Benefits of handling a UN arbitration. *shrug.
H2O cheers to my
non-latex sex fest in Lagos tonight!
H2O cheers to my sexy
health.
©OJ Thorpe blog
©OJ Thorpe blog
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